#77: Father
A few notes about fathers<3
Happy Father’s Day….
I thought I would bring back my post about Father’s Day from 2 years ago because, like my Mother’s Day post, I don’t have much more to say! I hope this essay reminds you of the father’s in your life today and every day.
Since I wrote this essay two years ago, I’ve gotten to see my brother become a father to two little twin girls, seen my dad become a grandfather, and watched my dad love my dog (yes, my child for now) like his own. He literally will fly from Minnesota down to Dallas to babysit my dog when we are on vacation— talk about showing up.
The below essay starts with some commentary about mothers vs fathers, men vs women, and how gender norms and societal expectations vary in our different roles. I find the study of gender and society to be incredibly fascinating, mostly because I never felt like I grew up in a house that really leaned into “gender roles”. My parents really felt like exact equals— I expected both my mom or dad to cook/clean, show up to events, know the details of my life, listen patiently and intentionally, and lead me and guide me. Sure, my mom was more into the nitty gritty day to day details of my Life As A Girl, and my dad was far more likely to practice sports with me and mow the lawn and what not, but generally speaking, I felt my parents were so equal.
I say this because growing up with a dad who sure, saw his daughter as “his little girl” but mostly saw me and respected me as an independent, smart, unique person has been the greatest gift. My dad is suchhhhhh a girl dad. He is Women’s Sports #1 fan and just respects the shit out of women. I don’t know why this is so groundbreaking, but I think over the past few years, I’ve grown to notice this more and more (and how unfortunately it’s not the norm for men!).
Getting to see my brother become a dad (who too, very much sees women as equals), especially as he fathers two little girls makes me proud and overjoyed to have grown up so near to men and boys who genuinely didn’t seem to notice the “norms”.
So, Happy Father’s Day to all, but especially to those guys who are playing the role like my own dad does— perfectly.
Happy Father’s Day!
When I was considering what to write about this week, I almost looked past writing about Father’s Day. “I wrote about Mother’s Day effortlessly, why would I not write about Father’s Day?” I asked myself.
Maybe it’s because the vast majority of my readers are women, or mothers, or soon-to-be mothers. Maybe it’s because I myself am a woman, and identify with the role of mother obviously more than the role of father. Maybe it’s because I visited my dad the week before Father’s Day, so the celebration today is a bit “less”. And yet, the worst most honest “maybe” of them all – I simply have more thoughts about mothers than fathers (as society seems to have, too).
Even as a person who has an incredible dad, who is the best, most loving and present person I know, I still have so much more to say about motherhood.
Isn’t it true though? There’s far more expectations on what being a good “mother” is than there is on what being a good “father” is (even though we should just think about parents as parents as parents).
Thinking about mothers and fathers reminds me of the concepts of masculinity and femininity. While in the same realm of mother and father (gender binary concepts), masculinity and femininity are a bit different.
Just as I feel society has A Lot To Say about mothers, it also has A Lot To Say about being a man.
We have a stricter code of what is “right” with masculinity and with mothering, but not with femininity and fathers. Isn’t that interesting?
Women in general, used to have femininity heavily policed, but from work to dress to speech to lifestyle, I feel women have a lot more freedom now, in a way. Masculinity on the other hand as a general concept, is strict.
For example, women can wear ties for fashion and it’s interesting, unique, and cool! Men could never wear a dress for fashion and be seen as interesting, unique, and cool.
A woman CEO is far more accepted nowadays than a male nurse.
A man being a stay at home dad is still a bit “absurd” but a woman being the primary breadwinner is more accepted.
Women in general, have far more give in their role as women. But not so much in their role as mothers. And men have far more give in their role as a father, but not so much in their role as a man.
So what does this have to do with Father’s Day?
Well, first of all, it gave me a big punch in the gut to remember, “Father’s Day is just as important as Mother’s Day. Being a father is just as significant as being a mother. The two are equivalent. You need to write about this, Marisa.”
[While I'm very much in the season of preparing for my own eventual season of motherhood, I'm going to cut myself some slack for not immediately and vigorously writing a 2000 word essay about fathers as I did mothers;) ]
Fathering is equivalent to mothering.
We have two people who equally pour into us, love us, show up for us, teach us, coach us, mentor us, weep with us, and carry us in this world.
While our parents might show up for us in different ways, and hold different strengths, the love we get from each parent is equivalent, significant, important, and identifying.
When I searched for a stock image for this essay, just as I typed in “mother” last month, I typed in “father” this month and to my surprise (or not), the images were about the same. Fathers holding little babies. A large silhouette at sunset next to a small child's. Large hands encompassing small feet. And many throwing-kids-in-the-air pictures.
But as we know, we father far past the baby and toddler stage.
We father far past kids turning 18 years old.
We father past kids getting married.
We father past kids having their own children.
We father by hugging our little kids. Teaching them right from wrong. We father making lunches and applauding the 50th drawing they’ve done in school. We father by watching sports games and music concerts. We father by holding them after their first heartbreak or friend breakup. We father them by buying their first baseball glove, or watching the fashion show of back-to-school outfits. We father them by taking pictures for prom and giving them $20 for the movies and preparing their graduation party. We father them by moving them in and out of college and with airport pickups. We father them by answering the phone. We father them from near and from a distance and in the morning and afternoon and middle of the night. We father by talking and by listening and by leaning in. We father by showing up endlessly, constantly, again and again and again and again and again.
I remember some of my favorite moments of being fathered is seeing my dad in the crowd of every event- sports games, study abroad arrival home, conference presentations, all of it. My dad is the definition of presence. He was so present in our lives, coached every game, made it to every event, every practice, every concert, he was there through all of it in the crowd, cheering us on, and present after the event ready to recap the game, comment on the performance, and listen to study abroad stories.
Fathering is fathering is fathering is fathering.
Fathering is being present. It's being a guide. It's being a cheerleader. It's being a role model. While I’m not a father, will never be a father, and don’t know many friends quite yet who are fathers, I’ve never seen it as a concept you start and stop or turn on and turn off. Just like mothering, it’s your identity, in your bones, always on, morning noon and night.
So today, we celebrate our fathers. Fathers here and gone. Fathers present and absent. Fathers that feel like fathers and fathers who don’t. Father-like figures, endless supporters, those who are constant, and simply all of the men in our lives who love us and support us and carry us through the waves of this world.
To my own father…. Who embodies joy and consistency for us. Who shows up to absolutely everything. Who has been a father-like figure to hundreds of students and players and friends. Who did such a good job cheering for us and challenging us in equal parts. Who taught me specific things: to work hard and have an inner drive, to always be the first person to say hello and be OK with it, to remain level headed and humbly succeed, and to show up for the people you care about in small consistent ways everyday.
I can't believe I get you as my ultimate hype-man for life, and my forever basketball-game date!
So, happy Father's Day, to all the men who love us unconditionally. And always, a special shout out to my own father who is the definition of love, support, and showing up for me in countless ways every day, even still.
As always, I'm rooting for you.
Until next time,
xoxo
Marisa
As always, I'm rooting for you.
Until next time,
xoxo
Marisa
1. I’m actually keeping up with Love Island season 8. I’m getting dumber by the day!!
2. We completed the NYC HYROX a few weeks ago— I hopefully will write a post about this because it was of course, an experience I loved and reflected a lot on.
3. Dallas got the craziest storm on Friday and I went to work drenched as if I stepped in a pool… and brought Piper with me. The clinic loved her<3
4. The World Cup has been so fun to watch, and Dallas being a host city makes it 10x better. Trying to soak it all in!
5. My garden is still going strong and makes me happy every morning.
6. I finished the show Off Campus and it was adorable. Highly recommend a binge watch.
Thank you for being here. Your readership, encouragement, and curiosity mean more than you know.