Have you ever dug in your notes app for several hours over a weekend? Well, that is what I did. It’s amazing what you’ll find there.
Who knew I wrote notes on an entire lecture about the anatomical head of infants. Who knew I had beautifully thought out itineraries to 7 different cities. Who knew I had an adorable 10 minute ab workout explained in full detail in there.
Notes apps have become a bit of a joke. A loving, close to the heart comedic point in our culture, because it really is insane what we all keep in there.
You would cry if someone read your texts. But your notes? Gosh, you might as well die!!
And don’t even get me started on the “notes app” apologies and break up posts celebrities post on Instagram.
The most important but at the same time, least important things seem to find their way to the notes app. Kind of like my camera roll, screenshot album, and GoodReads list. All things I want to desperately remember, look into, and hold tight; but also things I set aside and literally never look at ever again as long as I live.
Listen to me: on your next flight, or long car ride, you need to peruse your Notes App. You might just stumble upon your deepest passions, most hilarious memories, or an incredible ab set you can incorporate into tomorrow’s workout.
2am thoughts
5 different but similar grocery lists
15 separate notes for wedding details
Big slap you in the face sorts of thoughts in the middle of the day
Word for word conversations I’ve had with my partner so I can remember what we are fighting about.
All of my passwords
The list goes on.
My Notes app mostly reminds me what I find sparkly in this world. It jolts me back to myself- giving me detailed insight into what my mind found catch-worthy.
In my notes app, I found several notes that are simply titled “thoughts” and they go on to have small quotes or long paragraphs about something, anything, that I am interested in, sparked interest, made me angry, or the like.
So I thought I would share some of them. They are random and I don’t know what month or year they were thought of. I also don’t know the context that they were written in, or if anything came of them.
Without further ado, here are some of my half thoughts, from my notes app:
Here I am frustrated that I have charts to close and a million things on my to do list and “how am I going to fit in a run today” and “there’s a cute coffee shop that opened this weekend let’s go” and “what bridesmaid colors should I do” and scrolling through Instagram and realizing that what I’m scrolling IS my reality. It’s what I see every day therefore it’s my norm and how I believe the world is working.
The further into it I am, the further I can be from the communities and people that make me FEEL and LIVE and keep me close to my faith in humanity.
And then I go out to the waiting room and there sits my patient who is still waiting on his transportation. And the whole process of even getting to the clinic probably took all afternoon. And his day is conducted by others and waiting. And his reality is certainly not cute wedding photography reels and funny captions about hot girl walks and ads about clothes rental programs. Nope. Because he’s in the world.
What the hell am I doing with my life? Seriously.
“I will update chart to deceased”- I can’t believe my first “bad news” talk with a patient ended up leading to an outcome of “deceased” within just 4 months. Metastatic cancer, infection, and well, you know the rest.
Things that aren’t going to get a goodbye card but that I’m going to miss terribly: the radio station I listen to on my morning commute, the redness of our front door, my quirky parking spot at work, the barista at the College Park Starbucks.
If you only shoot for success, you bypass the difficult and belligerent, often ignoring the “slow work of God”
A lot of us are in stories we would like to tell that way.
“I was saved by specific people and concrete things.”
“I don’t remember what people said, but I remember they were there.”
“There are a lot of places where incarceration and homelessness take the place of that healing and care that I got.” YAS preach David!
Embodiment theology
Kayla just texted us this beautiful moment where she felt so happy sitting drinking coffee she felt intoxicated. She literally felt intoxicated with happiness. Little does she know I’m crying in bed because negative thoughts have taken over my life. But I still feel hopeful and know that as long as I have people around me who love me, I will be ok. God get me the hell out of this season. Thank you.
“I was overwhelmed with how much work it took to prove I was poor.”- Maid
“I love people who love the edge, like to think about more language for it.”- Kate Bowler
“Are we using our tools to extend a death, or are we using our tools to bridge the gap from sickness to wellbeing?”- Kate Bowler podcast
Narrative Medicine talk- segregated black vs white has been repackaged as public vs private
Things that have made me almost cry this month at work. Typically I don’t cry or feel like crying, but something about this month kind of hit me:
A patient simply stating she is having a hard time thinking of her son who passed away 10 years ago.
Listening to a daughter’s struggle seeing her mother’s dementia worsen. Probably one of the most painful experiences I could think of having.
Etc etc etc
Social capital is only useful if you can actually activate it.
Waiting as a lived experience of poverty.
Equal treatment in an unequal society can still breed inequality.
My husband makes everyone around him feel like a somebody.
(and my personal favorite from my “vow” inspiration note): My favorite thing about him is probably that he doesn’t play video games.
It really is, my favorite thing about my husband I think. Lol.
Remember, these are mostly words from my “thoughts” note. This does not include my notes about groceries, therapy lessons, date night ideas, deep talks with my husband, my Seattle itinerary, my love letter to my mom that I haven’t given her, Books I want to read, our Christmas 2023 list, the List Of Words I Like, or the medical notes I take to remember pearls.
These are just big thoughts that hit me, made me think, or felt close to me.
They span 6 years. They, like most things in our notes app, got written down to “remember” or “come back to” but rarely saw the light of day again.
As you can discern, most of my notes app revolves around my work in medicine.
Other patterns I noticed but didn’t write down include lengthy notes about one particular event or person, several small notes regarding my interest in writing or creating something for others to consume, and literally one million notes with small medical pearls that I probably should know and/or study, but I haven’t looked at in years.
Do you see any patterns in your notes? Maybe your notes are filled with humorous moments, or filled with your deepest sadness. Maybe your notes are just lists and lists and lists of things about this world and your life. Maybe your notes are exclusively surrounding your loved ones and things you need to remember about them. And still, maybe your notes are filled with some of your favorite things, even if you forgot about them.
In a similar vein, I love re-reading old journals. I find that looking back on what I thought was important to write down 3, 4, or 5 years ago is remarkably beautiful.
It gives me a little sneak peak into what I was thinking about, and how I was actually feeling.
I wrote about this earlier this year- this concept of experiencing something in 3 ways: how you anticipate it, how you live it, and how you remember it.
I love comparing how I remember certain times in my life with how I lived it both through my Notes app, and also journals.
Pictures can do this too.
And so can people, places, things, smells, clothing, a perfectly timed song on the radio.
Gosh, there’s so many things in this world that can bring us back to ourselves.
I encourage you to notice what sparks you, and write it down.
And when you are feeling far away from yourself, or curious, or grateful, or confused, or utterly content with life, or any other myriad of feelings, open up your notes app and take a look at what you found to be catch-worthy.
As always, I'm rooting for you.
Until next time,
xoxo
Marisa
1. Still reading Fourth Wing. It's great! I just haven't put in enough effort to read so it's going a bit slow.
2. Just started Love Is Blind. I can't wait! I feel like I haven't heard as much commotion around this season? Are people watching?!
3. The Northern Lights were popping off in Minnesota last week- my sister in law sent me pictures that made me weep. Gosh, I wish I could've seen it.
4. Our puppy is starting to feel a little better! Which means she is becoming a bit naughtier….
5. Bought this little jacket as a layer when I hike in Montana this upcoming weekend (!!)
6. Speaking of Montana, I am SO excited to go. If you have any recommendations, we will be staying near Bozeman.
Thank you for being here. Your readership, encouragement, and curiosity mean more than you know.